her vagina looked like bernie madoff
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
