My nipple is on Facebook.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
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i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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