i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
