His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
