new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
