I met the friendliest cop last night
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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