Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
