The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
