it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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