Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
