Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
There's even glitter on my cock...
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