i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
