I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I need to stop coming to work sober
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
