I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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