I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
