Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
