Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
