evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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