He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
