We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
