so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
