when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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