Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
