he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
