Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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