Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
