Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
