you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
