Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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