im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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