Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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