I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
