This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
