I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
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did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
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I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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