No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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