You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
