drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
