people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
