I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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