God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize