Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
