Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
