Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
