i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
