My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
