There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
