Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I just found a bag of teeth...
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
