you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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