I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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