Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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