We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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