I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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