I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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