Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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