My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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