My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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