made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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