How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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