Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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