My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
