So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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