Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
