He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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