I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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