Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
