I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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