We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
