Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
